Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
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Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?