Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
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*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen