Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
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Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Cheer up.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?