Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
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　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
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　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
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