Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
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My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Passed by a old school Math example today.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
incredible google review i just found
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.