Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
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This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.