Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
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Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
📽️movie date🎞️
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
If you breakdance you buy dance.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.