Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!