Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
You Might Also Like
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Velcrow
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.