Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
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Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.