Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
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I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I put the h in mysterious.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…