Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
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[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*