Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
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i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”