son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
“Huge”.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
