son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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Why is no one talking about this?!
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
New menu item
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
