Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.