Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one