Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

I hope they boil the right one.

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?