Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
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*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea