Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

For real 🤣

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.