Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon