Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

This guy’s not having it 😆

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context