Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
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I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..