Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

asked my bf how work was today

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this