Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten