Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.