Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

Where’s my employee discount too?

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

How it started: How it’s going:

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.