Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

is there nothing we can trust anymore

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

Me: Alexa, play music

Cop: where do you think you are?

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine