Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house