Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.