son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
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going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.