Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

date: what turns you on?

me: cartoon superhero movies

date: [laughing] incredible

me: yah that’s my go to

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!