Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

Every time.

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby