son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
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Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
selfie game