Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
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ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it