Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
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me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS