Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

Beware of the dog..

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before