Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full

Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is the 1st of February

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?