Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

dark side of the loom

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.

Well, I just invested all my retirement savings in Nvidia. Now to take a big sip of coffee and see what’s trending on twitter.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes