Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering