Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.