Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!