Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
You Might Also Like
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Merica.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh