Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
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Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.