Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

Can. I. Help. You.

What personal space?

My dog

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows