Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
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ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
They got Raph!
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives