SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
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[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
😭😭
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…