Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.