Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..