Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Milk Cube
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?