Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie