Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
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Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I have no passwords left in me
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.