[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
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Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]