Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?