son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
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*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
🌱🌱🌱
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I see your IQ test came back negative