son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
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I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
This can never not be funny 😭😭
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
so much to do
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off