Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

January is lasting longer than my marriage

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”