Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
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you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.