Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

Dolls on drugs

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.