son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
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[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
my mind
You just read my mind
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.