son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
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getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
…..pretty much.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I only eat vegetarians.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
😂🤣😂🤣
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat