Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

let’s discuss

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

Just grow your own

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol