Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

I think I’m having a stroke