Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents