Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

is frankincense just very honest incense?