Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
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Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”