Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
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The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?