Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
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Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
(Jupiter –
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Coffee is ready.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies