Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

I am yelling

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.